The Best of Both Worlds

I’ve been having episodes lately.

This is the fourth time I’m having a breakdown. One during a normal working hour, another during a hike, the most evident one was during a meeting, and now at night time while I am alone here in this place – a place I both love and hate. Half of those breakdowns, I had the urge to end myself.

I caused the trigger. I’ve known too much about you, and all my insecurities just crept in, touching the deepest part of my heart that I am yet to get cleaned.

 

Kaya’t pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito
Wari’y dala lang ng pagmamahal sa’yo

Ako’y gigising na sa panaginip kong ito
At sa wakas ay kusang lalayo sa’yo

-Ben&Ben

I have come to realize that I didn’t choose not to love. In fact, I have loved. And I am loving. But I am also afraid to admit it because I know I am not worth loving.

There are moments when I want to encourage other people, but at times, encouraging myself is already burdensome and tiring enough to do. Sorry, friends. Really. I’ll get myself fixed and help you. Please hold on. We’ll all get through this tiring life.